Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize