This gyro tastes like lonliness
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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