I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
