I'm laying in your front yard are you home
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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