I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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