Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
