btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Four minutes until I can fart!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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