i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
