I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
