im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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