there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
