i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
