please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
