New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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