I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
