Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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