We got so high we made milksteak
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
