Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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