Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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