I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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