new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
try to milk me bitch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
