I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
