My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
