why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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