His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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