i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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