Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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