WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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