You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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