i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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