I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
