how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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