in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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