Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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