update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
