If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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