dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
