Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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