i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
