I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
do nipples grow back?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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