The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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