I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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