Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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