I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize