Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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