you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
