So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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