why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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