like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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