So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
