Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize