Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
