I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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