lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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