omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
