He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
