i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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