i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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