I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I can text with my tongue
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
